My dear blog that I love with all my heart (and ANYONE IN THE WORLD that reads it), my apologies for not writing for the past 2 months, my excuse is that I now have a toddler. And that doesn’t mean life is any harder, in fact I find it more wonderful and hilarious than ever, it’s just that my toddler thinks my phone and computer are strictly for videos of puppies and cats, so it’s hard to sneak in a blog post.
But to be honest, the easy excuse for my lack of writing is to blame it on the baby, but truthfully, I just haven’t really felt like it. And that is far more complicated reasoning, but I’ll do my best to explain: I’m currently in the process of finding out WHO I AM again.
My brilliant friend Grace captured it best after we had a serious venting session over wine a few weeks ago: “Now that the baby haze has settled we’re able to address priorities that were put on pause, and that is a marker of growth, even if it feels like treading water at times.”
Obviously it is different for everyone, but I think new-parenthood causes you to put SOMETHING on hold for a period of time. For many people (especially nursing moms) it is career, but it could also be soccer, or band practice, or a blog, or whatever it is you do with all that free time you had. Some of those things that make you YOU get put on hold. But the thing is, at SOME POINT your little human becomes more independent (and/or you have amazing childcare), and YOU ALSO gain a little more independence! And as Grace said, we get a moment to address those things that we put on pause.
And although that can be wonderful to be able to address those priorities again (and it is a privilege I know!), it can also be daunting. That question of “what am I doing with my career/life/hobby?” obviously does NOT get any easier when becoming a parent. And maybe the hobbies you did before don’t seem to interest you anymore either. Thinking about yourself again can even feel strange, and if you are like me, it can lead you down a black hole of existential questions like “WHO AM I NOW?”.
So as my baby now officially becomes a toddler, part of me feels like we are kind of going through something oddly similar. We are figuring out the world. And how we fit in it. It’s a bit of a weird and unexpected phase I didn’t anticipate, but I’m here to say to other parents who may be going through it that I am here for you! I’m awkwardly going through that same post-kid puberty to re-anchor who I am. What is the work I want to do? Am I still a soccer player even if I haven’t played in a game in 2 years? Am I still a blogger if I haven’t written in 2 months? Has my chat become insanely boring to everyone? And does this mom hair cut suit me?
And like all puberty phases – it’s scary, yet exciting. So to celebrate the joy and even the hardships of independence, here are some adorable photos of our miss independent from hands down the best week of her life while we were home at the cottage on Prince Edward Island. (And for the record, last weekend she was the flower girl at her aunt’s wedding, and she totally fucking nailed it! Made it down the aisle all by her big girl self.) So I’m going to take some inspiration from my little 15 month old – if she can figure out the world, so can I!
ps. For anyone out there gaining a little independence due to weaning, this is a very important read! I think what I am feeling is distinctly different than the hormonal changes of weaning, but I think it’s crucial to be aware of depression caused by weaning.